I don't know about you, but sometimes my parents really drive me crazy, and I feel like I never seem to be able to do ANYTHING right anymore! I'm so tired of hearing “Either that room gets cleaned up now, or else!” or “When I was your age….”Here's an email we received from somebody who reads our blog:
My name is Serena and I am 14 years old. I’m not sure why life is so difficult right now. I live in a loving and caring family but these days we seem to be tearing each other apart. Our home seems to have become a battleground. Everyday the house is full of fighting and arguing and door slamming. All of my friends also seem to be having a hard time with their parents these days. Every day at school we swap stories about our nightly arguments. Every gory little detail! And I mean gory! I’m beginning to think it is impossible to have a normal relationship with parents in our teen years!! I thought parents were supposed to be able to solve problems like these but they seem just as into the fighting as we are! My big question is: what do you do when the people who are expected to solve the problem, are the problem? Please help!
Well, don't worry, if you're having trouble getting along with your parents, the good news is, there is something you can do about it. Loveday Constitutional, the founder of the Justice Gang sent us some information from his cosmic world in a parallel universe to help.
Loveday ConstitutionalUnderstandingYour Parents
Ever feel like you and your parents just can’t seem to get along? Ever wish your parents came with a “How To…” book, as in “How to bring up your parents” ? Well you’re not alone. Parents do a lot of things that grind on our nerves but since we live with them it’s important to try to get along. The first step to understanding parents is figuring out how they think. See if you can recognise your parents from this handy list of Parent Types:
Pushy parents are the ones who want you to give 110% of yourself 110% of the time. This parent type can be good because they make you push yourself but sometimes they push TOO hard.
Unconcerned parents tend to go in the other direction. They pretty much let you run wild, which can be fun but when you need help or direction they are of little assistance.
Politically correct parents may have some horrible problems, but to everyone outside the family they’re “just fine.” Politically correct parents aren’t bad people; they just seem to care more about what other people think than their children’s feelings, worries or preferences.
Overworked or distant parents may seem like bad parents, but in fact they really may not be. They miss a lot of what is going on in their child’s life because they are trying to give their kids a better life.
Average parents are a mixture of all the other types, but not so much that it’s a bad thing. They are called average parents because it’s what so many parents are, including ours.
You might not believe it, but your parents were children once and they had parents of their own. If you’re having ongoing problems with your parents you need to understand the link between your conflict and your parents childhoods. If you are tired of being caught by the, “When I was your age…,” routine, you need to find out as much about your parents childhoods as you can. In this way you will be able to understand where they are coming from.
If your parents are giving you a hard time because of the way you fight with your siblings, you might try to find out about your parent’s sibling relationships. How about your room? Is it always too messy for your Mom. Maybe she never had her own room when she was growing up and it bothers her that you keep the room she always wanted looking like a war zone.
Ask your parents question about when they were teenagers. Get a dialogue going that will help you come to a common understanding. Not only will you get some juicy information about what Dad got up to when he was a teenager, but you will score lots of points for being interested.
Now, I bet you didn’t know that your parents sometimes feel ignored by you? Well it’s true! They do. Show a little interest in their lives and you’ll be surprised at how your relationship improves.Some more useful tips to getting along with your parents:
It helps to be aware that in many families, as children reach their teens their parents are reaching their 40s. They may begin questioning their careers, worrying that they are going grey, loosing their hair and their waistlines. They may feel like their hopes and dreams have passed them by.
You can improve things by learning to communicate better with your parents. For example, you can use the “Put-Myself-In-Their-Shoes-Plan”. If your Mom is shouting at you think of how you would feel if we were to switch places. You just might discover that your reaction would be much more drastic than hers!
Let's take a look at a typical situation:
Jabulani is a teenager, this is what happened before and after he learned to communicate better with his parents.
Picture this scene, Jabulani is lying on his bed listening to his favourite music and his Dad comes in.
Parent: “How can you listen to such trash?”
Jabulani: “It’s not trash. This is the Number One album in the country!”
Parent: “That just goes to show that the country is going down the drain.”
Jabulani: “At least it’s a lot better than the stuff you and Mom listen to.”
Parent: “Don’t talk back to me young man!.”
Jabulani: “Well don’t say that my music is trash.”
Parent: “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t say. This is my house and if I don’t want that noise blasting away under my roof, you’re not going to play it.”
Jabulani: “You can’t tell me what music to play. This is my room and you can’t even hear it in the hall.”
Parent: “I don’t like your attitude one bit….”
And the situation ends up in a fight!
But, there is a communication method you can use, it's called the Agree-to-Disagree strategy.Now look at the difference.
Parent: “How can you listen to such trash?” (This is the moment of truth. Will Jabu stoop to his father’s level or will he elevate the interaction to his level?)
Jabulani: “I guess you don’t like this music, eh, Dad?” (Hooray! He doesn’t take the bait. He used active listening and reflected his dad’s feelings back to him.)
Parent: “Don’t like it? I wouldn’t even call it music!” (Dad continues to try to establish the supremacy of his position. Jabu is too smart to fall for it.)
Jabulani: You’ve got to admit that the music you and Mom listen to isn’t exactly my favourite either. But that’s OK. We have different tastes, that’s all. You listen to the music you like and I’ll listen to the music I like, OK?” (Now, how can Dad object to such a reasonable position?)
Parent: “I guess so. Just keep it down. OK?”
That went much better, and a fight was avoided!
This approach only really works when the conflict is over different tastes, styles, opinions or ideas. Agreeing-to-Disagree is helpful when one person’s opinion doesn’t affect the other. When it comes to matters of taste, opinion, politics or personal style, try to move your parents to a position where they can respect your right to have preferences by accepting their right to do the same. You could try saying:
“I respect your right to have your likes and dislikes. I’d like to feel that you can respect mine.”
Or
“Just because we have different tastes doesn’t mean one of us has to be wrong. We’re just different.”
So remember, you have the right to live in peace with your family BUT you also have the responsibility to do your bit to be understanding and try to resolve difficulties.
That's it for today, if you have any comments or questions, I'd really love to hear all about it!
Bye for nowSfiso
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